Things that made me happy today? Not much. I had a really suckish day and an ever suckier night. Until I started doing the app for Princeton. They have the weirdest questions like what is your favorite word? (moxie) and things of that nature. We had to write an essay about what we did that last two summers and frankly it made me really depressed be cause I never really do anything great all summer except once of twice. But then I remembered the 4th of july and wrote this HUGE things and then realized the prompt said 2500 characters and not 2500 words. So here's the edited down version. What made me happy today? Thinking of how amazing my friends are.

Two years ago, my mom moved to Warrington, Pa, which was about an hour away from my dad's house and all of my friends. Unlike myself, my brother quickly found people to play with because he is the kind of person that will talk to anyone. I read over 300 books of varying sizes and genres over the course of those few months. I wouldn't be able to say how many movies I watched. That summer really shaped who I am today. I really took a liking to old musicals, especially ones featuring Gene Kelly. I fell in love with old style clothing, which led me to take up sewing again.
We didn't go on any exciting vacations because of work schedules and other factors, but my parents made sure our summer was great. My mom took us canoeing and to Dorney Park. My dad drove us to antique sales and to the beach at least once a month. Even though many things didn't stand out as being overly amazing, the summer was still very enjoyable.
This summer, I went through quite a bit of things at the end of the school year with my parent's separation, among other things. I turned to a few of my friends from that school year for help. Those people are now the most important people in my life. They introduced me to movie nights watching RENT and Forrest Gump while playing Apples to Apples. I went to my first local show in my friend's front lawn where a local band played for him. We went on crazy shore trips, planned an elaborate real life Quidditch match, and just spent the days in each other's company.
My favorite memory of this past summer is the fourth of July. The local racetrack, Philadelphia Park, put on fireworks to advertise for their casino. Traffic was blocked off all over the town for hours. A group of my friends and I walked from the edge of barricades to a playground where we took pictures of the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. Whether the sunset was truly that lovely or if it was situation surrounding that time that made it seem so, I do not know. I do know that I will never forget how I felt that day lying in the grass waiting for the rest of our group to arrive. After they did, we began the walk to the park. Throngs of people were walking across a highway overpass. My friend and I stopped and just watched cars zoom past us for a bit, knowing we would never have the opportunity to experience that again. People from all walks of life, from the woman in the fancy dress and heels to the woman trying to contain flocks of small children in mismatched clothes, were all walking through the streets to witness the fireworks and celebrate America. I have never felt such a huge sense of community as I did then.
When we finally arrived in the park, we laid out our blankets, got out our much-desired hoagies and pretzels and laid down with each other. The fireworks were set to music, the best of which were set to "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay. We all sang along, and some people were dancing. I wished that that moment could last forever and that we could be so young and alive as we felt then, and for those few minutes it really felt like we could.

I haven't been on my computer in forever because I've been at my aunt's without internet. So here are the things that have made me happy the past 3 (?) days:

Friday:
Friday actually kind of sucked for most of it. Drama stuff was cancelled. Mike was without phone again because his bill wasn't paid. I couldn't get a hold of him which caused all kinds of frustrations and crap with my mom. My feet killed because I thought we were going right to Newtown after my mom picked me up so I thought I'd be able to change out of the shoes I was forced to wear because they were the only ones I had at my house- stilleto ankle boots. I wound up having to wear them for 5 hours running all over creation trying to get boots for my mom and then waiting for an hour for Mike to show up at the mall and then two more for the movie to start. Um ouch? The only good things that happened that night were

1) Seeing Anita at DSW
2) The Blind Side was a good movie

Saturday:
I got in a fight with my mom about my plans for the day because apparently that was the day we were supposed to get our tree. So that kind of put me in a bad mood. Then Mike picked me up an hour late. We had 15 minutes to get from Newtown to Penndel and then to Bristol in 15 minutes. And Mike NEVER listens to me when I tell him faster ways to go. I think I know my own town jerk. Needless to say, we were late. By a lot. Then we went skating for a far less time than planned which was okay. I stil had fun. We went Christmas shopping for hours and bought almost nothing. We went to AC Moore to buy things for the presents I'm making a few people. Mike insisted on walking up and down every. single. ailse. And then had the nerve to get mad at me for making him be somewhere he didn't want to be. By the end of our shopping trip, I had no one crossed off my list and I wanted to go home, but we had to go see Mike's cousin in his school play. It was pretty good for a grade school play. Mike took me back to my aunt's house and I wanted to go to bed early. Mike didn't leave till 12. It amazes me how bad he is at taking hints. Things that made me happy:

1) Figuring out the perfect gift for Treeesh
2) I had really good soup for lunch in the food court
3) Some of the shopping trip
4) The play was nice

Sunday:
We went to church with my aunt and then she made breakfast. We read the paper together and looked at all the sale papers. We went out and got a few things. I helped her make dinner. My mom wasn't feeling well so we didn't get our tree today either. I liked spending time with my aunt, but I really wanted to get home so I could do all of my homework. We didn't leave till 6 and then we went grocery shopping and got Chinese food. Bleh. Tonight's going to be another late night. Things that made me happy:

1) Spending time with my aunt and seeing her happy.
2) Buying presents for my cousin
3) Seeing one of my cousins I haven't seen in years at Giant a few hours after seeing her dad in church
4) Cooking/ washing dishes with my aunt
5) Coming up with a present for her and Mike's parents
6) Being back on the internet

Happiness for today:
1) Really good songs came on shuffle while I was listening to my ipod on the bus which really set me in a good mood for the day
2) lawling around with Kelly in the morning as usual
3) Long homeroom again
4) Girl fight with Treeesh after school waiting for Firmani to open his room
5) Getting picked to go to the debate tournament with Mike, Mike, and Chris
6) Plans with the drama kids and Mrs. Delaney were cancelled for tonight so maybe doing something with Mike?
7) Coming home to see my December issue of Nylon magazine on my computer with the headline INDIE SPOTLIGHT: BEST. MIXTAPE. EVER. God I love this magazine.

Things that made me happy:
1) crazy times before school
2) my dad finding out about my facebook and not being mad
3) mike murray
4) being able to write this lj in the 4 seconds i have before im kicked off.

Happiness for today:
1) Dollard and Firmani were out and we had a lulzy time without them.
2) I've started talking to my friend Jeff again after like 6 months of not talking for no reason at all.
3) Hanging out with Mike after school waiting for my bus.
4) Taking a crazy long nap and not having to hate myself when I wake up for putting off my homework because I don't have any today. YAY!

That's about it right now.

Today made me happy in an unexpected sort of way.
1) I woke up late and was still getting ready when my dad came to pick me up to go to the University of Delaware. I thought I was going to get screamed at but didn't, surprisingly.
2) I was on edge the whole ride there because I thought we were going to be late. We weren't, which made me happy.
3) From the moment we got to UD, something felt right. Throughout the whole visit, I fell in love with the school. It is a large school which was something I realy didn't like on paper, but after seeing it, I really do like it. A lot. My dad doesn't like it too much because it's an open campus and he's afraid of security, but after talking to some people, it's growing on him. Still waiting to go to NYU, but as of now UD is definitely up there.
4) Lunch with my dad was great. Every time we've visited a college, we've gone to lunch after. Lunch after Princeton was amazing. After DeSales was pretty bad. After UD was really good. It strikes me as really funny that that is how I see the schools too. Don't know if my opinion of the school affected my mood for when we were eating or what, but I still love it.
5) Dinner with my aunt.

That was about it for today. There were a few things that really irked me today, but I'm trying to only focus on the good things in my livejournals this month. Until closer to Christmas of course. Then I'll have plenty to yell about.

1) I visited DeSales today. It was nice, but I don't really know. I really liked it earlier but now I'm in a bad mood and can't think of why I liked it.
2) My dad and I went to lunch with my uncle and they talked about all the crazy stuff they did when they were kids. Like you don't even know. They told one story about my uncle blowing up a stuffed Benji dog and it's dog tag flying back and hitting him in the head. And then something called the Big Wheel 500 which they said involved a big wheel race, lighter fluid, and a small fire. They wouldn't elaborate. It's things like that that make me miss family parties.

Things that made me happy today:

1) Going to get my tree with Mike
2) Decorating for Christmas
3) Watching Benny and Joon with Mike for our movie night
4) Talking to Chris about something srs and being called Madame Bovary

KierstenKudos: so pretty much
KierstenKudos: im a whore
KierstenKudos: who is going to kill herself in the end
KierstenKudos: and die unsatisfied
KierstenKudos: cool
Cps030292: and your kid is going to go be a slave or something
KierstenKudos: pretty much

<3

My godmother didn't come to the play yesterday because of the snow. I was really disappointed, but I understand I guess. I really wish she could have seen me, though. The one year I have an actual part and she can't come. : \ But I got to drama and saw Claire crying and I forgot about my problems. It turns out she was crying because her brother that she hadn't talked to in a year and a half called to ask what time the play started. She was more happy then than I think I've ever seen anyone. I understand how it feels to not be talking to a member of your family. It kills. I'm so glad that things are turning around for her. I love Claire.
The play went very well. There wasn't too much ad libing (or mad libing as Susan called it) which I liked. I really don't like it when people change stuff. I don't really find it funny. The snow was nice except for when we had to run outside to get to the correct sides of the stage. I got snow in my shoe. XD All in all, the play was great. I LOVED our senior stuff afterwards even though Beauchamp kept interrupting us.
Bob's party was amazing. We watched Once Upon a Mattress and ate pizza. I was over in the corner with Katrina, Colin, David, Bob, and a bunch of other juniors. Katrina and Sam laid down on each other and Colin and I laid on Katrina's stomache. Then Dave laid on my side. There was like 6 of us in a pile. It was so comfortable. It's things like that that I'm going to miss about drama. I love how we can all do things like that and be a pile of friends. Looking back on it, it reminds me of Where the Wild Things Are.
I feel kind of guilty though. I know how I act aruond some people, even when I know they like me. I feel so horrible that people are starting to like me now that I'm in a serious relationship. I'm afraid that I'm leading people on where they have no chance. I know that if Mike had girls falling all over him, I'd be pissed. And if Mike was at a party without me and was laying on some girl's chest and snuggling with other people, I'd kill someone. So why do I do it? Mike doesn't get jealous but even still. : \
I'm really excited for later. Mike's going to come with us to get our Christmas tree. I woke up kind of sad though. The fact that drama is over has rally set in. All of the other years, I would be sad but I'd know that we'd do it all over again next year. But we're not. I plan on doing drama in college, but it just won't really be the same. I'm going to miss everyone so much. I hate finding my place and then having to leave. I finally because comfortable with myself and figured out who I was this year in drama. And now that it's over, I just don't know. I'm going to miss it.

I didn't get to post yesterday because I didn't get home until later from the play. So here are yesterday's things that made me happy:

1) Dollard was out so we were in the auditorium. Trish "did my hair" until I heard her ask Mike if he had any scissors. <3
2) The play went alright. A lot of people are getting sick/ are sick. Myself included. But I think we did well considering.
3) The GAD afterwards was pretty fun. I think Jim told his friend that Kelly and I were lovers? I don't know. He probably believed it though XD
4) Jim is looking great. He can't take a compliment but he is. Love you, Jim!
5) Mike drove me home and then locked his keys in the car. My dad broke into his car with some crazy car-breaking-into kit he just so happened to have. And it took about 7 minutes. Should I be worried? haha

Things that have made me happy so far today:

1) I woke up late but not too late. I love that.
2) I read 20 more pages in Wurthering Heights. It's actually getting kind of good.
3) It was raining which I love. After we were done in Sma's Cub, we walked outside and it was snowing. It made me so happy.
4) We blasted Lady Gaga in my dad's car on the way home.
5) Mike won his soccer games today in the tournament which made me sad because it meant that he wouldn't be able to go get my Christmas tree with me tomorrow. But then he found out there were only two games tomorrow so now he can if we leave a little bit later. I'm so excited.
6) Last night of the play tonight. On one hand, I'm sad because it's my last show ever at CEC. I don't do the one acts, so it will be. But on the other, I've had an amazing four years in the club and I'm so glad to have done it. I'm so proud of everyone for turning it around like we have.
7) Mike's going to come to see the play again so he can meet my godmother.

Bad stuff has happened the past few days, for sure. But a lot of good things have, too.

Today was horrible beyond belief. I knew it couldn't last. What made me happy today? Almost nothing.
1) Opening night of the play- I thought we did poorly and I wasn't excited at all. But I still liked doing it. I didn't have to worry about anything for two hours.

Today was pretty great, too. We had the matinee today for elementary school kids. I always love doing thay. So here's my things that made me happy today.

1) When things work out in the end- Two days ago, our play sucked. We were still learning choreography, we had no idea what the words were to like 3 songs, and our hearts weren't in it. Then last night we had an amazing dress rehersal. It kind of gave everyone the hope that we could do this thing. Today came, and we were the best we've ever been. Things didn't go off without a hitch, but it still turned out pretty well. We made Mrs. Delaney cry. I think I sang the best I've sung the whole time we've been practicing for the play. Days like today remind me why I put up with all the crap drama gives me.
2) Kelly McHugh (again)- We sang Lady Gaga in the lunch room this morning. She made me do a cartwheel in the hallway. I seriously love being with Kelly in the morning because she always makes my day so great.
3) Being different- I love being dressed down and not in class when everyone else is. It makes me feel so BA being drama for all the special stuff we get to do.
4) My friends- I love you guys. You make me laugh. Collin told me I had a baby bump in my costume and said it could be his, Francois', or Jon's. Not Mike's. haha Then Jon and I told people we were going out and they believed it. Then when I was leaving school, I kissed Mike goodbye and Collin comes running out of NO WHERE and starts screaming at me about cheating on him. It was so amazing.

I love December.

Hey Y'all. A lot of things made me happy today
1) Kelly McHugh- whenever we're silly in the morning, I have an awesome day. We were reliving pretending to be time travellers in Wawa during drama yesterday. GREAT TIME
2) SPICY TUESDAY OMG- Spicy Tuesday is my favorite thing that happened this school year. For real.
3) AP English- As much as I hate and complain about the class, it's probably the class I look forward to most.
4) DRAMA- Drama is my favorite thing to do every year. Today was amazing. Gina and I had MANY lols after practice. And it was an all around great night, besides. Loved it.
5) I found $4.01 in an old coat in the attic and an old black dress my greatgrandmom made. I love it soooooo much. I have to fix some things on it, though. I'm glad to have a project. I'm hoping to wear it to winter formal.
6) THE SOUTHERN ACCENT RETURNED- As many of you know, I accidentally spoke in a Southern accent quite often last year. It just sort of stopped though. But today it came back! I'm so happy. I love being a southern belle in Philly, y'all.

All in all, today was so very spicy. I hope the rest of December follows suit.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of home lately. I know it's melodramatic but more and more it seems to me that I don't actually have a home. My dad's house makes me feel physically cold. I walk into that place and everything seems darker and I'm freezing. A lot of stuff has happened lately with my dad and it's really made me think. I hate to feel this way, but every time something happens, I live for the fact that I'm out of here by August. None of the colleges I've been looking at are within reasonable commuting distance. I don't know if I did this on purpose, but it's true. If it wasn't for the court order and the fact that I still need him to pay for half of my tuition and stuff, I'd probably move out right now. That's just how fed up I've become with this situation. I dread weekends where I'm at his house where I used to look forward to them. I used to be so close to my dad. But now things have changed, and I see him in a totally different light. The past three years have changed the way I see so many things. Family used to be one of the most important things in my life until I realized that blood ties and family mean nothing. I hate my dad for being the way he is. My mom doesn't know how to talk to me. At least she's tried to change things. It just didn't work. That's more than I can say for my dad.

I don't think I'll really miss much at this point when I go off to college family-wise. Why would I miss screaming matches and things being thrown around for things that aren't my fault. Why would I miss having other people's problems being taken out on me? Why would I miss being on edge at all times, never wanting to do anything for fear of setting him off? Why would I miss being ignored? Why would I miss only being talked to when it's convenient?

The things I think about most are the way things used to be. Things like watching Lawrence Welk with my Aunt Trish every Saturday night when I was little. She taught me how to polka and we would dance around her living room. And even though she wasn't the best singer in the world, I loved it when she sang the songs they played because I had never heard them before. I loved seeing her happy. That was years ago. Now she's always complaining about how old she is and how bad she feels. She's not that old, but she looks like she is. She's lost the will to live and it pains me to see her that way. I miss the polka and gold lamé dresses.

Things like Saturday mornings and the four of us laying in my parent's bedroom talking and laughing. I miss being a family and caring about people and being cared about like that.

Things like being together and celebrating holidays. Last Thanksgiving, I got kicked out of my house after screaming with my dad. Christmas was full of accusations and snide comments. I hate celebrating holidays twice. I hate the fights about who "gets us" on holidays. Things like this make me wish we didn't have breaks. I miss liking holidays.

I was thinking about all of this today and remembered my favorite movie quote. It's from one of my favorite movies, Garden State. In this scene, Zack Braff (Andrew) and Natalie Portman (Sam) are talking about family and home.

Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

I hope that one day I can find that imaginary place again. I miss it so much.

Of course things wouldn't work out. Of course you wouldn't think about my feelings before making a decision. You never do. I should expect things like that by now. I just want to know how someone could be as oblivious as you. I honestly do not understand.

Yesterday was a sucky end to a sucky week. I'm hoping today makes up for it. Homework done already and plans with Mike later. Gotta start making my halloween costume : \

Seriously? This week has just sucked so frickin much. I was actually looking forward to doing stuff with you this weekend. But of course not. I don't see why you flip out at me for every damn thing. And just because you're mad at me gives you no right to do stuff that not only ruins my plans and upsets me but is detrimental to other people. And now youre trying to act like nothing ever happened. You do this every single time and it pisses me the hell off.
I haven't been feeling well at all the past two days.My headaches have been worse then ever. These two days have felt like an out of body experience. I'm not all here, like my consciousness is slipping away. There will be times when I don't realize I picked something up or left a room. I feel light headed. I don't care about anything. I feel lost.
And this is just on top of everything else. Seriously? This frickin drama has to end.

Frick I missed posting for the 20th by 7 minutes. Oh well. : \ I'll be referring to the 20th as today anyway. I haven't gone to bed yet. It is still today. I was so sick today in school. I get these really bad headaches in my temples and eyes that make it hard for me to keep my eyes open. And even when they are open, I'm mostly crossed eyed and can't see. And they hurt like hell. And I'm massively dizzy and fall down stairs and such. lawl Rachel's house. So I had one in school today and thought I was going to die. I was so unprepared for school today, but thankfully most of it worked out alright. I hope Ms. Dollard takes my poetry stuff late.
After school I was mega productive though for once. I got a ton of stuff done. I got the material for my Halloween costume which I now have 10 days to make. Wiener schnitzel. (<3 Kelly) I rewrote my global speech, did the poetry, did physics. But now I'm crashing. Arg. I really need to study but can't bring myself to do it.
While procrastinating, I talked to Chris. We got on the subject of reoccurring dreams and know I really want to write. I've been in a creative mood lately and today I was able to write not in the car. Granted, the idea started in the car but I actually wrote it in my room. I've noticed that I'm generally more creative when I'm going through my depressed weeks compared to my normal weeks. I don't know if this is normal.
I swore to myself and to Trish that I would talk to her this weekend. I never did. I wonder if I ever will. I know I need to and soon but I know if I start to feel better, I won't talk to her. No one asks for help when they feel great.

This is so stupid. What are you thinking? Seriously? I don't even know. Ugh.